It’s the time of blogging, of facebook, and texting. I’m not sure I remember the last time I actually spoke live to one of my girlfriends, but it finally happened one saturday over the holidays. And the news wasn’t good (duh, this is why she called instead of texted). But as she and I texted over the following weeks, I reflected on a time when I used to love chatting on the phone. Now? Not so much. I’ll give you two reasons: three-and-a-half years old, and a just over one-year-old.

This goes with a preface to those who are shaking their heads with a roll of their eyes, “where have all the real human connections gone?!”. Um, my toddler grabbed them with his grubby hands after not washing them after finger painting OR potty time (yes, of course it’s gross), and then he promptly ran off with my life while screaming, “No! No! No more time outs!”.

I’m not sure where he’s hidden my life: perhaps under the enormous pile of toys made in china with shiny lead paint, or perhaps behind a locked door with a child-safety-mechanism-so-crazy-that-even-my-mommy-can’t-freakin’-open-it. Or it could be that my friends no longer call me because they’re annoyed with all my cross-talk. No, group-therapy lovers, I don’t mean the traditional kind. More like, have you ever tried to have a conversation with someone, who every 15 – 20 seconds yells out, “STOP HITTING YOUR SISTER! ONE … TWO …”. It’s like talking to a drill sergeant with a case of toddler turrets.

“Hey, Pez, how are things?”
“Oh, good, good. How are things with you, did you and your hubby start seeing that therapist about your STOP HITTING YOUR SISTER!”
“Uh … oh … uh… Yeah, we’re doing well, thanks.”
“Oh , that’s so good to hear DO YOU WANT A TIME OUT?!. I’m really pulling for you guys, seriously. ONE .. TWO … THREE … GO TO YOUR ROOM. NOW!”

And that’s a good conversation, when you can actually piece the fragments together to communicate a full thought. And then we have the types of things that I used to talk about (riding a motorcycle, my career, how many drinks I had at that where I made out with some guy that was hella cute), to my discussion of all things toddler. That includes topics like: how many poops a kid had, to how many veggies they’re eating (or not), what they’re doing at school, and of course – how many swear words they’ve actually managed to repeat in front of your in-laws that week. Plus, two kids under four, and your vocabulary isn’t what it used to be (I had to look up some words just to finish this blog).

So forgive the new mommies they’re shortness, their lack-of-time to listen how your career is fabulous and off like a rocket (’cause we’re secretly flipping you off anyway or hoping you’ll get pregnant soon). And can I just say – thank GOD for blogging and texting. Now I can actually communicate things, without having to spend so much time being nice on the phone (cause all that energy is lost on time out threats and the patience required to sit next to someone else on the potty fifteen times a day).

Next time you call a friend with little kids; get ready to repeat yourself after child interruptions, do your best to phase out the turrets, and remember: it could happen to you. Besides, you’re the one who needs to learn how to text instead of calling before bed times.

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